Harry Potter's Precious Little Life
by LordArchanon
Summary: Harry's life sucks, but it's simple until a massive but friendly man named Hagrid cruises though his dreams on a flying motorcycle and looks shocked to see him. Can Harry beat up the bad guys and survive a year without losing his precious little life?
1. Chapter 1

Summary: Harry's life sucks, but at least it's simple. Go to school, fight Dudley's gang for some pocket change, lose to Dudley, respawn in his bed. Everything's simple until a massive but friendly man named Hagrid cruises though his dreams on a flying motorcycle and looks shocked to see him. "Yer a wizard, Harry." But the path of magic doesn't have a red carpet. He'll have to fight his way through Voldemort's seven evil plots in order to have the life he wants. Can Harry beat up the bad guys and survive a year without losing his precious little life – permanently?

Disclaimer: I own neither Harry Potter, possession of JK Rowling that it is, nor Scott Pilgrim, which is owned by Brian Lee O'Malley. But the plot bunny wouldn't let me go.

* * *

"Again, Potter?"

Harry Potter grunted, not dignifying Dudley's lackey with a response other than putting his fists up.

Piers Polkiss shook his head with a huge grin. "Never learn, do you? Fine by us. Get him, boys."

Harry kept his grin strictly internal as the nameless mooks that appeared whenever Dudley wanted something done started to rush him. This would have been a lot harder if they ever varied from a one-every-five-seconds rush. He ducked under a fist and struck the grunt in the stomach, causing him to vanish in a puff of smoke. He tackled the next into the oncoming third, defeating them both, and took the fourth out with a clumsy sweep-kick from his position on the ground while he regained his feet. The next one fell victim to a headbutt and an elbow to the throat felled the next. A straightforward punch to the face of the next led to the satisfying crunch that indicated he'd broken the grunt's nose before he vanished, and number eight and nine had their heads slammed together with a loud crack. Harry managed to get around behind the tenth and took him out of the game with a chop to the back of his neck.

Harry panted slightly as he faced Dudley and Piers, the leader of the gang and his right hand. He knew from past experience that Piers was tough but not unbeatable, but Dudley was faster and stronger than he had any right to be. Certainly the fat tub of lard wasn't nearly that fast when trying to chase Harry down, rather than letting his cousin come to him.

Piers Polkiss stepped forward. "I'm going to enjoy beating you down again, Potter."

Harry rolled his eyes, careful to only do so while he was still facing the ground as he caught his breath. No need to antagonize Piers beyond what he'd already done. "I beat you the last three times, Polkiss."

"Yeah, Potty, but you still haven't beaten Big D, have you?"

Harry ground his teeth in frustration. It was true, he hadn't. Not for lack of trying, however.

"Bring it on, Polkiss."

The larger boy took his challenge and stepped forward, initiating the battle. Harry immediately charged, launching a lightning-fast punch combo at Piers' head. Piers moved to dodge back but was blocked by the area boundary, so he threw himself to the side at the last second, meaning Harry only hit him in the shoulder and not nearly as much as he'd intended. Displaying agility that someone of his bulk shouldn't have been capable of, Piers caught himself mid-fall with one hand and kicked at Harry from his half-fallen position before pushing himself back to his feet. Harry aborted his lunge in order to duck under the kick, rolling forward towards Piers as the wind from the passing foot ruffled his hair.

"You hit like a girl, Potter!" Piers jeered, swinging wildly as Harry came up inside his range.

"Oh yeah?" Harry responded as he twitched his head out of the other boy's path. "Then let's both be girls!"

This declaration was followed up by a punishing kick with all the force Harry could put behind it to Piers' groin. Piers whimpered, hands going instinctively to cover his crotch as he curled up in a fetal position. He rocked on the floor for a bit as Harry stepped up to him.

"Say goodnight, Polkiss."

WHAM!

Harry turned away from the poof of smoke that marked where Piers had been as he shook his hand to limber it up. "So, Dudders, you going to dirty your hands at last?"

Dudley smirked at his cousin as he stepped forward. "You're never going to learn, are you? You can't beat me."

"That's what Piers used to say, and now look at him."

Harry kept his guard up. As soon as Dudley initiated the fight, he repeated the tactic that he'd tried against Piers, a lightning-fast punch combo. Dudley stepped forwards, and-

COUNTER! REVERSAL!

-Harry was on the ground, seeing stars.

"Dammit!"

Harry Potter. Age 10. Dudley's Punching Bag. Rating: E for Everyone.

"Any last words, freak?"

Dudley Dursley. Age 10. Optional Boss. Rating: F. It's on his report card.

Harry glared up at his cousin from where he lay on the ground, prone. "Bastard."

The last thing he saw was Dudley's piggy face smirking at him as his side exploded in pain from the kick and everything went black.

* * *

HARRY POTTER'S PRECIOUS LITTLE LIFE

INSERT COIN

PRESS START TO CONTINUE

CHAPTER ONE

* * *

"Urrrgh."

Harry sat up in his bed. It sucked having to respawn when he lost the boss fight, but at least he only dropped half the money he'd picked up from Dudley's lackeys. That left him with enough to buy himself some food to supplement the meagre offerings his relatives gave him after they finished with their own meals. Speaking of which…

Harry reached into his tatty backpack and grabbed an apple. He chomped on it casually as he leaned back in his bed as he waited for his Aunt to call him to come make dinner as usual. It really sucked having to deal with the Dursleys, but it wasn't like he had a choice. They were apparently his only living relatives after his parents had died in a car crash of some sort, which didn't make a lot of sense really. Uncle Vernon always complained about the driving minigame, but no one ever really died in minigames, did they? Still, no one questioned it, so he figured it must have been a scripted death. Sucked to be him, really.

"Get out here and start dinner, boy!"

Harry finished his apple and tossed it aside, sitting up with a sigh. Apparently Uncle Vernon was hungry.

"Coming."

Harry pushed himself off the bed and stepped out of the cupboard under the stairs where he slept, heading into the kitchen to make dinner for his relatives. It wouldn't do to annoy them too much the day before Dudley's birthday. It was bad enough to get beaten up by Dudley when he voluntarily ran the gauntlet, it was a lot worse if Harry made his relatives annoyed enough for them to set him on Harry to try out his new accessories.

* * *

It was hot. Harry was thirsty. The desert stretched out before him, endless in all directions. He'd just finished off the last of his water moments ago and there was no chance of getting more. He was lost and had no idea where to go.

"Oh, god, I'm so… so alone."

All of a sudden, he felt like it wasn't worth standing anymore. Harry fell to his knees, then dropped his face onto his arms which lay on the desert sand.

"Oh god…"

He stayed like that for a short while, until a loud rumble from the distance caught his attention. As it grew louder, he sat up and stared at the motorcycle racing through the sand – no. It was flying above the sand. On top of it sat the largest man Harry had ever seen in his life. The man was about to fly by when he glanced down and did a visible doubletake, then turned his flying motorcycle around and landed nearby. "Harry? Harry Potter? I 'aven't seen you since you were a baby! I 'ad no idea that this path went through your dreams…"

Harry went to speak when he was suddenly pulled into a bearhug, the giant man's coat muffling his voice neatly. He was deposited back on the sand shortly afterward and the man smiled broadly at him. "Name's Hagrid, Keeper of Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts. You'll know all about that o'course. I can't stop and chat, got an errand to run, but I expect you'll be seeing me again soon."

Harry was left blinking, mouth hanging open, as Hagrid got back on his motorcycle and started it. "And yer not alone, yer just having a dream."

The motorcycle roared and lifted off, taking Hagrid with it. As they faded into the distance, Harry could only think to stutter out, "I'm… dreaming?"

He sat up in bed to banging on the cupboard door. Blinking, he muttered, "What the hell?"

Still, his relatives weren't going to wait for him to figure out an answer to that question, so he shoved it to the back of his mind. Time to cook Dudley's precious birthday breakfast.


	2. Chapter 2

Summary: Harry's life sucks, but at least it's simple. Go to school, fight Dudley's gang for some pocket change, lose to Dudley, respawn in his bed. Everything's simple until a massive but friendly man named Hagrid cruises though his dreams on a flying motorcycle and looks shocked to see him. "Yer a wizard, Harry." But the path of magic doesn't have a red carpet. He'll have to fight his way through Voldemort's seven evil plots in order to have the life he wants. Can Harry beat up the bad guys and survive a year without losing his precious little life – permanently?

Author's Note: You may notice I took the first version down, all five of you who read it. This is the edited version, which flows a bit better. It's still mainly filler and serves to establish bits of how the world works and how characters may be different as a result...

Disclaimer: I still own neither Harry Potter, possession of JK Rowling that it is, nor Scott Pilgrim, which is owned by Brian Lee O'Malley.

* * *

INSERT COIN

SECOND PLAYER, PRESS START TO JOIN

CHAPTER TWO

* * *

Harry Potter had been having a very strange morning. First he'd had that odd dream with a flying motorcycle, of all things. Then he'd gone to cook breakfast for his pig of a cousin's birthday, only to have to watch Dudley throw a tantrum as he counted his birthday gifts and found them lacking. Harry didn't understand this at all – the table was buried under his cousin's birthday gifts, which appeared to include the new computer he wanted, as well as a second television and a +5 Mithril Racing Bike (+4 to Speed, +2 to Cardio, +1 to Will). Nonetheless, apparently there was one less than the year before. Aunt Petunia promised to buy another two presents today, and that had calmed Dudley down. Breakfast had continued until Uncle Vernon had received a phone call. Apparently Harry's normal babysitter, Mrs. Figg, had broken her leg and couldn't take him.

Harry was of mixed feelings about this. He was pleased because this meant that he didn't have to spend the day dodging cats, but on the other hand… he now had to spend the day with Dudley. And Piers. Still, it would be interesting to go to the zoo, he supposed. He'd never been, as he had much more important things to do with the money he gathered up painfully by fighting Dudley's gang. He had offered to stay in the house alone, but the horrified looks traded between his Aunt and Uncle had told him the answer to that before they had to speak it aloud. Harry still couldn't figure out why they seemed to fear that he'd blow up the house. After all, he'd always kept his fights outside and away from their knowledge (as they would of course forbid him from fighting Dudley and he liked that source of income. Dudley hadn't told because it meant he got to beat up on Harry on a regular basis without having to run to catch him.)

Still, whatever the reason, he was now in the car on the way to the zoo for the first time in his life, and he wasn't going to spoil it at this point. Harry ignored the glares Piers and Dudley sent him throughout the car ride, focusing on the day to come. Uncle Vernon had threatened him with dire consequences if "anything freaky happened" and he was going to do his best to comply, although he still had no idea why they thought any of the incidents were his fault.

He halfway listened to Uncle Vernon's complaints about things that annoyed him; he was going on about motorcycles at the moment. Harry almost opened his mouth to say something as the subject triggered his memory of the odd dream from last night, but he thought better of it and shut it again.

_It was just a dream, anyway. I mean, why would someone outside of Little Whinging actually know who I am? It's not like I'm famous or anything. _

Harry wondered why he suddenly felt like the world was laughing at him.

The car coming to a stop in the zoo parking lot snapped Harry out of his musings and he scrambled out of the car behind Dudley and Piers.

"Alright," Uncle Vernon said, "We're here. Dudley, just tells us where you want to go. And you, boy… No funny business!"

"Yes, Uncle Vernon," Harry said in the most utterly disinterested tone of voice he could manage. Fortunately, Vernon wasn't good at distinguishing tone and merely nodded, as if it was only right and proper.

"I want to see the lions!" Dudley said. He glared at Harry. "But I don't want him to walk with us. People might think I like him."

"Quite right, Dudley," Uncle Vernon nodded. "Boy, don't follow us. You can wander the zoo and meet us back here later. But if I hear of one bit of freakishness…"

He trailed off, leaving the implied threat hanging. Harry didn't care, this was even better than he could have hoped. Dudley grinned evilly at him as if he'd just won a great victory, so Harry made sure to look as upset as he could. "Yes, Uncle Vernon."

He followed the Dursleys inside far enough that the gate guards wouldn't notice him being left to do his own thing, then was sent packing by Aunt Petunia's pointed stare. Harry wandered over to the birds of prey and watched them for awhile, then moved on to the reptile house. He wandered inside, pausing to check out the poisonous frogs, then moved on. He made his way through the building until he got to a particularly large snake being watched by a girl about his age. He stepped up beside her and examined the snake. It hissed. Harry was startled to find that he seemed to understand it.

_"Ssstupid humansss, alwaysss ssstaring. How would they like it, thisss one wondersss."_

Harry blinked, then glanced at the girl out of the corner of his eye. She didn't appear to have heard words in the hissing, but he couldn't say for sure. Maybe she had, and it was just one of those things that everyone took for granted. Probably not, though. Maybe it was a hidden Skill?

_"It'sss not very nicssse to be ssstared at, isss it?"_ Harry mumbled half to himself. He'd certainly gotten that enough back at Privet Drive and could sympathize with the snake. If that was what had been talking. He still wasn't positive of that.

The snake raised its head suddenly and stared straight at Harry. _"Wasss that… no, I'm imagining thingsss. Jusssst annoying humansss."_

As Harry was wondering if he'd said that out loud, the girl next to him turned to face him. "Were you just _hissing_ at that snake?"

"…Erm, I don't think so?"

The girl huffed. "Well it certainly sounded like it."

Harry nodded slowly. He was trying to figure out what the _hell_ she was talking about. "…If you say so. I, um, need to go meet my Uncle now."

He tentatively stepped away and began to walk out of the reptile house when screams from outside and farther in the house registered. Harry glanced back, and noted that all the glass in the reptile house had suddenly been retracted, and judging by the screams from outside, those animals had escaped too. He spared a thought to wonder why this always happened to him before speeding up his exit of the reptile house. Harry had barely made it outside before he was almost run down by the girl from before. She was muttering exasperatedly as she went.

"I swear. Every time we go anywhere with him…"

The girl spun towards him. "Hey, you. Are you any good in a fight?"

Harry made a "Who, me?" face. The girl just stared at him. Realizing he wasn't getting out of answering, Harry nodded. "Yeah."

The girl nodded decisively. "Good. Then you're coming with me to rescue my cousin. Don't bother asking how I know he's in trouble, it's because he gets kidnapped EVERY TIME we take him somewhere."

Not fifteen seconds after she finished her sentence, an eagle flapped by overhead with a screaming young boy clutched in its talons that it really shouldn't be able to lift. Harry groaned. It was a scripted sequence, dammit. He hated cutscenes. The child saw the two of them below and began screaming. The girl facepalmed and called back up. "Don't worry, Chisao, we'll rescue you soon."

She turned to Harry. "Follow me. Someone's making the animals go crazy, probably via microchips or something. God only knows how that works. Anyway, if we take him down, the animals should go back to normal. My name's Hermione Granger."

Seeing her expectant look, Harry returned the favor. "…Harry Potter."

Hermione nodded. "Good. Now follow me!"

She took off running. Harry followed, complaining to himself. He just knew that somehow he was going to get blamed for this.

HERMIONE JOINED THE PARTY

* * *

The situation was surprisingly familiar, Harry thought as he punched another animal-themed minion and it burst into smoke as Hermione slapped a card on another's face and it exploded (how did that work?) A kick to the solar plexus knocked another minion away as Harry ducked a straight punch to his face, then spun around to grab another minion in a headlock and toss him into a cluster of other minions, while Hermione flung a cluster of cards that released a burst of force that sent another opponent into the wall, where he poofed.

"We don't have time for this!" she growled angrily, offhandedly smacking a card on the minion sneaking up behind her and ignoring the resulting blast. Harry took a moment to wonder at the sheer stupidity of something that bright pink trying to be sneaky – that particular minion had been flamingo-themed.

"I agree, but do we have a choice?"

She huffed. "I know, we don't. I just want to get this over with."

"Well, it looks like you'll be getting your wish shortly," Harry mumbled as he took a quick glance at the bar off to his right that had been filling as they defeated the minions. It had just become full. Harry finished off the minion before him with a roundhouse kick while Hermione tripped the last one and slapped a card on him while he was doen. Harry made a note to avoid getting her that angry at him. They both took a moment to catch their breaths for the imminent boss fight.

"How are you doing that with the cards?"

Hermione glanced up at him, irritation plain on her face, though thankfully not directed at him. "I'm half ninja on my mother's side. My cousin Sheena taught me how to use these. Here, take a look."

She tossed a card at Harry. He caught it. Gingerly. Thankfully, it failed to go off in his face. There was an odd design on one side of the card, and a word on the other.

"It's some kind of crazy ninja trick. I just use them because they can double as flash cards when there's no battle going on. At least they can be useful for my studies."

Harry twitched a little. This girl was _very_ strange. Fortunately, he was saved from answering by the boss showing up. He was, predictably, an over the top ham who had no idea why people wouldn't take him seriously. Unfortunately, he had a robot. Why on earth could all the crazy people build battle robots, Harry wanted to know.

"Ohoho! It seems as if someone has some fight in them!"

Harry _twitched._ That laugh was not natural. Also, who seriously piloted a robot that left them completely unguarded? There was no head to this thing…

Hermione appeared not to care about what the robot looked like. She simply stared angrily at the operator. "Why did you have to choose _today_ of all days? Was it just to annoy me? Is it some cosmic joke that my cousin always gets kidnapped?"

The operator cackled. Insanely, of course. Sane people don't cackle, they laugh.

"Bwahahahaha! I care not for your ire. This lousy place fired me! ME! I WILL have my revenge! If you stand in my way, I will crush you as well with my precious robot!"

Harry raised his hand. "Can I just back out then? Seriously, she kinda dragged me into this and I just know I'll be the one my relatives blame this on…"

Both Hermione and the former zoo employee in the robot glared at him. He backed down. "…It was... just a question?"

"Well, don't ask any more, then," Hermione snapped. She turned her gaze back to the disgruntled employee in the mech. "And seriously, you have issues. It would surely have been cheaper to spend your time looking for a new job rather than buying parts to cobble a robot together, you know."

"Shut up, little girl!"

"She's got a point, you know," Harry noted.

"GAH! I WILL DESTROY THE BOTH OF YOU! FACE THE WRATH OF THE BEAST MASTER!"

Harry sighed as the Beast Master's health bar filled up. At least he only had one bar's worth...

READY… FIGHT!

Hermione sprang into action, charging forward even as a robotic hand flew through her former position. Harry bent backwards almost to the ground to let the hand pass over him, spotting the glowing orange… thing that probably indicated the robot's weak point. He spared a glance at his erstwhile partner, who had produced a sheaf of cards and was currently using them to strike the robot's legs with concussive blasts, and decided she could handle herself. As such, he chased after the hand and took a leap. He managed a three-hit combo on the glowing weak point before the hand left his range, then pulled back and waited for it to return. This time, instead of ducking, he jumped on top of the hand and started whaling on it. From there, things fell into a rhythm. Jump, grab, punch, get shaken off, wait, jump and cling, build up your combo, mega punch, get shaken off, wash, rinse repeat. After awhile, the hand he was currently clinging onto shuddered and fell limp, sparks running down its length. Hermione gave a shout of triumph as one of the legs was similarly disabled, slowing the mech's movement considerably. Unfortunately, this distracted Harry long enough that the still-working arm of the robot backhanded him into a wall. He coughed as he pushed himself back to his feet just in time to be grabbed and lifted.

"S-stupid little boy! I'll take you down with me!"

_Oh crap! This is a storyline boss, if he kills me I'll stay dead!_

The robotic hand squeezed. Harry could feel himself being crushed. He tried to struggle, but it was no use. The pressure was just too much. As he felt himself losing consciousness, everything went white.

_White? I would have guessed… death was black…_

Feeling returned before sight did. Harry felt the ground below him and groaned as he shifted. He sat up, blinking as his vision returned, to find the robot in a similar position, and Harry dazedly wondered at that. Hermione had apparently taken the opportunity to grab the Beast Master and cover him with the explosive variety of her cards. They detonated loudly and the boss exploded in a shower of coins.

Hermione dusted off her hands as she walked over toward him.

"You're not half bad, Harry. Thanks for the help, I couldn't have done it without you. The animals should be back to normal, so you can go find your family again."

Harry blinked as she turned to walk off. "Wait! How'd you beat him? I know you couldn't have taken down the arm that quickly."

Hermione quirked an eyebrow at him. "I didn't. You did. It was quite a lightshow, actually."

"…Really?"

"Yes, really. I don't know how, but it was quite impressive."

Harry groaned inwardly. He'd done something strange that couldn't be explained, again. This was so not going to end well for him. "Oh… joy."

Hermione ignored his sarcasm. "Anyway, I need to get going. We're bringing my cousin home before he gets kidnapped again. I really don't have the patience to deal with another incident today… I don't expect to see you anytime soon, but anything's possible, so… If you do see me, I owe you one. And I pay my debts. Willingly or not…"

Harry doubted he was supposed to hear the last bit, considering that she'd dropped into a mutter, and decided against mentioning it as she walked off.

HERMIONE HAS LEFT THE PARTY

Harry picked himself up off the pavement and stumbled over to the scattered coins, sticking them in his pocket (Only $3.17, it seemed Hermione had been right about the cost efficiency of the idiot's revenge.) It was right about then that the Dursleys arrived. Uncle Vernon's face purpled as he took in the ruined square and the busted robot. Aunt Petunia looked horrified. Probably at the thought that someone might see her around it and decide she'd helped.

"I- You- Rrgh- Boy! To the car, right now! We are leaving! "

Harry decided it was best not to antagonize his Uncle anymore and followed quietly as they left, despite Dudley's protests ("But I don't want to leave! We haven't seen the monkeys yet!). Vernon managed to restrain himself until they had dropped Piers off at his house early and returned to Number 4 before letting loose, but by then he was too angry to even rage coherently. Eventually he managed to order, "Go - cupboard - stay – no meals," before collapsing into a chair.

Harry decided not to argue and scrambled to his bedroom before something worse could be assigned.

* * *

They had a gig tonight. Harry had been nervous up until the moment he actually stepped onstage. The expectant crowd might usually have made him more nervous, but instead his tension seemed to evaporate as he tuned up his bass. Hermione, on vocals, nodded to him, and then to the red-haired boy who was on drums. Said boy waited until the somewhat long-faced boy on the sax looked up and nodded at the slightly dazed-looking blonde on guitar, then yelled out.

"We are Curbstomp Walrus! One two three four!"

They launched into the first song of their set. Harry lost himself in the music and just let it play. He was startled out of his reverie by a loud roar of a motorcycle that no one else seemed to hear and by the setting suddenly shifting from indoors to an outdoor venue. He kept playing unconsciously as the giant man – _Hagrid, right? _– landed his motorcycle and stared at the band for a moment.

Harry's eyes widened and the statement slipped out.

"I'm dreaming."

"That ya are, Harry."

He woke up.


End file.
